What to Do When the Aliens Show Up (and Even If They Don’t)

When it hits close to home

I lost myself trying to keep the relationship. How do I find myself again?

A friend asks where you want to eat. You type “Anywhere is fine” without thinking. Then you realize you finally get to choose, and you can’t remember what you’d pick.

Meet Aisha

An illustrative story

Aisha is a mother in Dubai. For years she was the one who said, “Whatever works for you.” The relationship has ended, and tonight the kids are with their dad. A friend texts, “Want to get dinner? You pick.” Aisha types, “Anywhere is fine,” and realizes she can’t think of anywhere she’d choose.

She can remember what her ex liked to order and which places were too loud for the kids. She remembers liking a little place by the water. Even now, with nobody there to object, it feels easier to let her friend choose.

Keeping things easy for other people helped Aisha get through a lot of evenings. Now she has evenings of her own and still feels as though someone might come in and ask her to justify how she spent them.

Keeping things easy became a way to belong

Aisha got good at picking up what would make an evening go smoothly. She was often right. If giving in ended a disagreement or kept someone close, there was a reason to do it again. Over time there were fewer occasions to find out what she liked when she had a real choice.

Now a friend gives her exactly that choice, and she feels the old urge to make it easy for both of them. If she keeps following it, even people who want to know her get less of a chance.

What if someone is disappointed?

Aisha can care about her friend’s evening and still suggest the place by the water. She can also say, “I’d love to see you Friday. Tonight I need some time to myself.” The guilt may show up either way. She can give it a minute and see whether she has actually been unkind or simply made a choice.

What the book helps you change

What could be different?

What to Do When the Aliens Show Up (and Even If They Don’t) asks how we decide what’s true when something we’ve counted on falls apart. In everyday relationships, that means examining old rules like “If someone is disappointed, I must have done something wrong.” Sven Masterson helps you make room for your own wants and limits so you can build a life you enjoy and relationships where people get to know you.

  • From“Anywhere is fine,” before you’ve even thought about it

    ToNaming a place you’d actually like to go

  • FromReading guilt as proof you were selfish

    ToChecking what you agreed to and what you genuinely owe

  • FromSaying yes, then wishing nobody had asked

    ToGiving a clear answer you can live with tomorrow

  • FromMeasuring a good evening by whether everyone else was happy

    ToMaking time for something you’d look forward to yourself

A couple of questions about the book

What does a book about aliens have to do with finding myself after a relationship?

The alien story asks what you do when a world you know suddenly changes. After a relationship ends, you might find yourself living by rules that made sense with someone else in the room. The book helps you look at what those rules were doing for you and choose which ones still fit.

Why would something as small as picking dinner matter?

It’s a chance to hear your own preference and let someone else hear it too. The book helps you notice what makes even a small choice feel risky and gives you a place to practice speaking up.

Let someone find out what you like

The book helps you see how a rule that once kept the peace can carry on long after the relationship changes. You can understand what you were protecting, notice when guilt is speaking for that old rule, and start making choices that give people a chance to know you.

If you’re trying to hear your own answer again, read it with one ordinary decision in mind. Dinner is enough to begin.

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