What to Do When the Aliens Show Up (and Even If They Don’t)

When it hits close to home

Why do I keep replaying conversations in my head?

“We can talk about it tomorrow.” You said okay. Now it’s midnight and you’re still trying to work out what they meant by “tomorrow.”

Meet Derek

An illustrative story

Derek is an engineer in San Francisco. At work, going back over what happened usually gets him somewhere. At home, he’s loading the dishwasher when his wife says, “We can talk about it tomorrow.” He says okay. By the time he puts the last plate in, he’s already defending himself in a conversation they haven’t had.

He’s tried talking himself out of it. He’s tried finding the perfect opening line. What he wants to know is whether she’s upset with him and whether he can do anything about it.

In the morning, she asks if he wants coffee. He hears himself say, “Look, I was only trying to help.” She hasn’t even brought it up yet. He spent half the night getting ready for her, and now he can barely hear her.

Rehearsing can feel like a way to get close again

Derek wants to wake up knowing they’re okay. Since he can’t ask tonight, he goes over the words he heard and tries to find the exact thing he did wrong. A plausible explanation gives him something to fix, even if it’s an explanation he came up with alone.

By morning the rehearsal has done more than keep him awake. It’s given him a version of his wife’s position that he’s already angry about. Now there are two conversations to sort out, and only one of them actually happened.

What did she actually say?

“We can talk about it tomorrow” is what Derek heard. “She’s had it with me” is what he fears. If he can hear the difference, there’s room the next morning for a question he actually wants answered. “How did that land with you last night?”

What the book helps you change

What could be different?

In What to Do When the Aliens Show Up (and Even If They Don’t), Sven Masterson uses an extraordinary premise to ask a question that comes up in ordinary kitchens. When the stakes feel high, how do you tell what you know from what you’re afraid might be true? The book helps you bring that distinction into conflict so you can say what you mean, hear the person in front of you, and have some of your evening back.

  • From“I know what she meant.”

    To“I heard what she said. I can ask about the rest.”

  • FromRehearsing a defense at midnight

    ToShowing up rested enough to hear her out

  • FromTaking one quiet evening as proof you’ve failed

    ToLetting one difficult moment be one moment

  • FromWaiting until you can guarantee the conversation will go well

    ToSaying something honest while the outcome is still open

A couple of questions about the book

What does a book about aliens have to do with replaying a conversation all night?

The alien story makes it easy to see how fast we fill in what we don’t know when the stakes feel high. A few words from someone you love can do the same thing. The book helps you hear the difference between what they said and what you’ve been answering in your head ever since.

What if there really is something we need to talk about?

There may be. The book helps you come back to that conversation with a question you want answered and enough room to hear the answer.

Come back to the conversation you can have

The book helps you notice how quickly a gap in what you know can fill with a story about what you stand to lose. You can learn to recognize that story as it’s forming and go back with a question you genuinely want answered.

If you know what it’s like to lose a night to three words someone said, read it with your last argument in mind. There’s more room for confidence when you can wait to hear the other person’s answer.

Buy the book on Amazon See other formats